dealing with the negative inside
This forum seems like a better place to post this instead of Brad's comments section, though it's really in response to his Michael Richards post, which is well worth reading.
Brad wrote: "There is a lot of stuff in your head right now that you do not even know about. Some of it is very good and some of it is intensely bad. When you do Zazen this kind of stuff starts to bubble up to the surface."
While Brad's whole post is an excellent one, I'm choosing to pull out and focus on that issue I've quoted above.
Lately, like the last five or six months, zazen has become a daily struggle. We all know that "stuff" bubbles up while we sit on the cushion, but lately it seems like everything that bubbles up in me is intensely negative. I don't like it. I don't know what to do about it, if anything. I don't know what it means, if it means anything at all, other than that my subconscious mind is a nasty place to hang out.
Back to Brad's bit I've quoted above, the part about there being bad stuff inside "that you do not even know about," how do you deal with it when you DO know about it, when, through daily practice, you DO see the bad stuff inside your own head?
Brad says there's good and bad stuff there, but right now what's bubbling up is only the bad. I don't mean bad in a Son of Sam, I-hear-voices way. More like simple negativity that appears when I sit. I'd really like to have some peppermint covered dolphins to hug, but that ain't what's inside, apparently. I wonder if all this crap is just a stage or a barrier to pass through, or whether it's something to ignore?